is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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