i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize