found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize