Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
