CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
