I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
