the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
