I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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