he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
