R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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