the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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