well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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