dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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