I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
