I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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