Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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