Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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