My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
