My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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