Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
