man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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