The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize