forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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