you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
