Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
