think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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