he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
