um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
