How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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