sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
