I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
