He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize