Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
