Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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