My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
