Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
