I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize