Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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