she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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