eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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