just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
