how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i believe in u and ur pee
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
