you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize