You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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