sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
