i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
