btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
