apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
