Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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