highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
