Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize