Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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