thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
