woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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