The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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