Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
