if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
