Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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